“Even when the rain falls, even when the flood starts rising, even when the storm comes, I am washed by the water.” - NEEDTOBREATHE

Reminiscing about water, love, music, being thankful and life's new directions...

The last time I put up a post was when my summer ended.  Now I'm posting as school ends.  It's a circle.  This week last year I moved to Memphis when the Mississippi River was rising over its banks and creeping into the city.  I remember turning onto Interstate 40 from 55 and West Memphis, Arkansas looked like a lake.  This time last year I had ab.so.lute.ly no way of knowing how instrumental my summer would be to my growth as an individual, or how much I really loved living by water.  Exploring a brand new city and living on the river was just what my soul needed.  This past weekend I had a new experience on the river: Beale Street Music Fest.  I knew it was going to be fun, that was a given.  But the power of the music I felt in my soul.  NEEDTOBREATHE live blew my mind.  Being fifteen feet away from Florence and the Machine as she ghostly drifted across the stage felt like she was singing right to me and I needed to hear every word.   I needed to hear her tell me to shake off the devil on my back.  Day two was a blur of guitar riffs, hot sun, Grace Potter and the Nocturnals and Al Green.  Day three I was a little over my head because I knew I needed to be in Columbia early the next morning for my Master’s project presentation, but I couldn’t pull myself away.  The Head and the Heart was so sweet, Michael Franti and Spearhead put on the most energetic concert imaginable, and lastly, the dear duo that captured my heart last spring, The Civil Wars.  The whole park was so quiet waiting for them that you could hear the river wooshing by.  Their voices drifted out and it was magical.  Tears streamed down my cheeks it was so beautiful.

I left directly afterwards and got caught driving in the worst storm I have ever experienced.  More water, only this rain did not make me feel good.  I have never been so terrified or felt so alone as I did on the side of the interstate that night as the wind whipped debris around my car and rocked it back and forth.  I thought my car would tip over. I curled into a ball, covering my head and shook with fear and cried tears of defeat.  I felt so defeated, like the fact that I have been trying to juggle so much this entire year finally caught up with me in the middle of nowhere Arkansas, with not another human or even building, in sight.  That night, something bigger was telling me to slow down.  Or was it telling me not to leave Memphis?          

I have spent a large majority of this year immersed in graduate schoolwork or on the road.  I have been so busy with school, work, and not sitting still that I have taken a lot of things for granted. This week marks a turning point, though.  Before graduation, it’s one of those weeks of “lasts”.  Last trip to class, last walk across campus from the parking garage to work, last time that all of my friends in my program will be in the same spot at one time again, last expeditions out downtown, and the sentimental list doesn’t end.  I didn’t get this feeling after college because I stayed in the same place.  But not now.  I may not know exactly where I’m going, but I know it’s not here.  I love Columbia, but it has served its purpose, and while I have so so so many amazing memories here with friends and family, I’m going to start a career somewhere else. Missouri will always be the first to have my heart, though, and I feel so blessed to have had my family so close.  As well as my friends, even those who are now scattered across the country, no matter what, I have the best support system anyone could ask for. And I want to say THANK YOU to all of those people who have always believed in me, especially my parents, I would be nowhere without you.   

If you know me, then you know Memphis is where I want to put down roots.  Since moving back to Columbia last August I’ve put countless miles on my car this year revisiting the city on the bluff – searching for something.  A clue that would tell me when to move, that I’d have a great job waiting for me there, a sign that would magically drop me into a new life there.  With graduation one day away, all I know now is just that I own an inherent sense that I am supposed to be there, and create a life there, not be dropped into one.  To be happy there, by myself, making my own happiness because the only person that hinges on is me, myself and I.  Not my job, not my significant other. Just me. But I'm not alone, I have great friends there, and I'm so overly excited for the chance to make more. The circumstances may not play out like I have let myself imagine all year long, but it doesn’t matter.  I’ve always had this private philosophy that life speaks through moments and clues, and yes, cliché it is, but things really do happen for a reason.  Memphis can talk and I’m learning to listen.  I hear it say, “Come back, you can live here, you can be extremely happy here, and the Mississippi River misses you.”  Or, maybe because I’m just such an optimistic dreamer I only imagine what I want to hear.  If it makes me happy, is that so bad?  

So, let's raise a glass to mastering a Master's degree, a new chapter of life, spring storms, job searching, saying, "See you later" to old friends, making some new ones, loving family, and did I mention going to Europe for a best friend's wedding next week?  Drink it up. Life is good.

"You had a hold on me right from the start, a grip so tight I couldn’t tear it apart."

It’s officially here on Friday – the end of the best summer of my life.  I took a blogging break when I moved to Memphis because I wanted to soak up every single memory possible and not sit in my tiny apartment staring at a computer.  Since I moved back to school a couple of weeks ago I have repeatedly been asked, “What did you do this summer?”  Well, because I love lists, I decided to compile a little sampling of just what I did and how one summer in a new city forever changed me:


* I interned at one of the most amazingly inspirational places in the world, St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital.  Every day was an experience and I tried my best to be a sponge.  I learned so much and am forever indebted to the wonderful women I worked with and how much they taught me and the experiences they provided.  Along with working, I also had the opportunity to volunteer at St. Jude as a respite volunteer and also as a garden volunteer – St. Jude has it’s own completely volunteer-run garden.  Each placement gave me insight into how much people can care and how I can give of myself to others.  I realized one afternoon as I held a sleeping toddler in my arms while she received chemotherapy to fight the leukemia invading her tiny body, that I have no real problems.  None at all.  And since that moment I have been more grateful for my life than ever before.

            *  I was lucky enough to have an amazing roommate in Memphis who never once cared when I would yell out, “Gooooood Morrrrrrning!”, who always had coffee ready, and was never too busy to listen, laugh, go on a walk by the river or offer a hug.  I’m so happy that we got to build our friendship and I know Miss Margaret will continue to be a happy part of my life for many years to come. 

-                *We lived right on the Mississippi River and the week we moved in floodwaters kept rising and the muddy water crested at the edge of our road.  The 3 miles of flooding made the river look never ending.  Even though its water may be brown and people seem to be disgusted by it, I loved living by the river.  Every morning I got to drive along it, with the windows down it made me happy in a way I had never expected.  And the Memphis sunsets quickly became my favorite part of every day.  I relished every single sunset over the river that I got to see after work.  I miss walking under the cottonwood trees lining the banks and hearing the gentle rush of water as it moved down stream under the Memphis bridge lights.

-                 *When I wasn’t at work, I tried my hardest to explore Memphis, and I fell in love with the city.  Recently a friend asked how I could like a place so much and without thinking I answered, “You know, it’s that place where you go and nothing bad ever happens and you’re always happy and it just automatically feels like where you should be.”  My friend just looked at me and said, “No, I don’t know what that is like.”  Obviously I probably have rose-colored glasses on, and I was only there for a little over 3 months, but Memphis has a feeling for me that is hard to shake.  A feeling of history, of passion, a little stubborn and a lot Southern, the smell of distinctive city food and the sounds that built American music.  In a small bar/pool hall on Beale Street there is a poster that I love that says: “Music is the Magic and the Magic is Memphis.”  It’s so true.  I loved the feeling of getting goose bumps listening to the stories of a band in a random bar one Sunday night that used to play with Elvis and Johnny Cash.  There are so many distinctive places in Memphis that once I visited I felt like I owned, as if I had always been there.  I left a little piece of myself there. 

-               *One night we went to the Orpheum Theatre for a showing of the movie, Walk the Line and they brought out some of the original cast.  I can’t explain the feeling I had that night after the movie was over, as I walked into the elaborate theatre bathroom, the walls covered in ornate mirrors.  I looked at myself and wondered out loud how I got there, in the old theatre with amazing friends and it was then I realized how far I had fallen in love with Memphis.  My experiences of the city are irreplaceable because it is like nowhere else.  

-                  * Memphis is also a place where I grew, not only professionally, but personally.  It was such a learning process for me to move somewhere where I only knew one person. I joined a leadership academy for summer interns and met a group of people who I absolutely adore.  Together we had many crazy nights that usually ended around 3 or 4 am at either a '70's style disco, or an old dive bar.  The bar, until the 1990’s was a brothel rumored to be frequented by Ray Charles.  Behind the counter a white-haired old man serves beers and “soul burgers” to a very eclectic group of people.  It’s dingy and dark and the jukebox sits in the corner, providing some of the only illumination of the whole room.  Up the rickety stairs, sits another secret bar and the old rooms – untouched for the most part- of the brothel.  The upstairs bartender is an elderly African American gentleman with some interesting stories if you can pull them out of him.  The windows look out over Main Street and it is literally like stepping back in time.  On Saturday mornings we always went to Arcade Restaurant, the oldest restaurant in Memphis, and relived our nights.  I have never laughed so hard in my life as I did on those Saturdays with crazy hair and smeared mascara over a plate of fried eggs and hash browns with a group of great friends, and I wouldn’t trade those mornings for anything.  

This is only a little taste of what my summer was like, but when I got to Memphis, I changed.  St. Jude made me a better person and taught me to be thankful for how incredibly lucky I am.  My friends taught me that getting out of my comfort zone can be rewarding.  Downtown Memphis provided some of the best nights of my life.  And the memories I made remind me every day how much I can’t wait to return.  This is going to sound crazy, but when I was little my mom had a magnet of Elvis on our refrigerator- I have no idea why.  But one night I had a dream that I was a grownup and met Elvis, the same one from the magnet, dressed all in gold.  He told me he would take care of me and then proposed to the adult, dream me.  It was such a realistic dream that when I woke up I couldn’t stop thinking about it, and to this day I have never forgotten it.  Elvis is Memphis, but it is also so much more.  So many things this summer just fell into place for me that I have to think there is something bigger working in my life.  And I’m happy to just go along with the ride.


“I’m going to Memphis where the beat is tough…Memphis I can’t get enough… It makes you tremble and it makes you weak… It’s in your blood, that Memphis beat…” Jerry Lee Lewis

This will move you. Take a second.

Besides outrageous weather, something else happened this week.  To quote CNN, "the 911 generation's boogeyman is gone."  While this is a step in the right direction, we can't let ourselves forget just how many of our soldiers are risking their lives everyday for us, and for the world.  Just yesterday a deployment left Missouri for Iraq to help agricultural practices.  These are our friends, family, and even if you don't know anyone who has ever served, they are our protectors.  This video is touching, please take a minute to watch it.  This semester, as I worked with a nonprofit serving homeless veterans, I saw these statistics in an all too real light and I believe this is a good cause to get behind.
Like them on facebook and visit their website to get involved, or if you want to help the organization I have worked with a little closer to home, Welcome Home.

It will never be the same.

            I’m upset.  My heart hurts.  The past two weeks of current events have had my emotions all over the place.  It started when I was napping on a lazy afternoon two Fridays ago.  Our tornado sirens woke me.  The skies were clear, the radio said the storms were losing power and moving south and that no funnel clouds had actually made contact with the ground.  I thought I was fine to drive down I-70 for the weekend.  I loaded my things around 6 that night and went on my way.  The storm had a different idea.  It had changed direction and picked up momentum as it moved across the state.  Long story short, in order to save my car from grapefruit-sized hail and the damaging winds and tornado that tore apart the St. Louis airport and Bridgeton, I hung out in a parking lot in Warrenton for two hours.  I made it to my destination and we watched with our eyes glued to the TV as Lambert Field and Bridgeton dug through the rubble and rejoiced that no one was injured.  Flash forward to the Southern states and what they went through last week as tornados cut ugly paths, leaving only splinters: pure devastation.  There aren’t any words.  I know pictures cannot do it justice.  One of my idols, Ree Drummond, has a wonderful donation plan you read about here, and if you can, please donate to the Red Cross, they are a vital support system for our country.   http://www.redcross.org/

            As everyone already knows, along with our tornado heavy spring, we comes rain.  The Mississippi River is called the mighty Mississippi for a reason.  She means business.  Her waters have swelled, spilling into tiny river towns, soaking numerous states, and the water worries are even reaching down to New Orleans.  My apartment I move into in two weeks in Memphis, Tennessee is currently inaccessible because of flooding, and the water is only expected to rise.  The recent weather has been a very dramatic and saddening time for the Midwest and the South.  But there is one Missouri story that really gets me, and has made national news from coast to coast.  It hurts, I can’t read the stories and at the same time I can’t look away.  The town of Cairo, Illinois is flooding, the people have evacuated, and apparently the only way to save it is to flood Missouri.  The Army Corp of Engineers went ahead with their plans to save the town of Cairo last night by blasting a New Madrid, Missouri levee.  One year ago I drove through Cairo.  It is an old river hub, filled with crumbling, majestic houses and an antiquity you find in charming old Southern towns, and I will never forget what it looked like because it struck a chord with me.  Google it.  Its history is rich.  Across the river from Cairo is the Missouri bootheel.  An equally majestic place of fertile Delta soil, and a historic home to generations of Missouri farmers.  Hundreds of which had to evacuate their homes, their lands, sell their animals, their machinery, sacrifice years and years of hard work, dedication to their land and families, and stand helplessly as a “mini tsunami” overtook their possessions, possibly never to be seen again.  I understand this decision is for public safety, I understand the logic behind it, but it doesn’t make it any easier.  I am not even immediately affected by these events, but I love my state.  Agriculture is a vital part of our heritage and livelihood, not to mention the personal hurt, despair, and helplessness each family that just lost everything is feeling.  Hundreds of thousands of acres of some of the richest soil in our hemisphere was just destroyed and it will never be the same.  It cannot be replaced.  As the world’s demand for food grows, we have to start considering the consequences of these types of events, and how it not only affects us, but the future as well.     

Read more here:

Chris Chinn

LA Times

SE Missourian

Chicago Tribune

NY Times

KOMU

I thought of that.

On my constant quest for internet inspiration, also known as procrastination, I stumbled upon a new website last month.  Not just any website, I like to think of it as a kind of virtual scrapbook.  Because it is.  It's a springboard for anything you want to collect, from any website, from any genre.  And the thing that gets me is that I thought of this.  I've thought of it many times, actually.  Since I have become a blog-hound, I've often had this inkling: "I wish I could cut and paste this, or that, save it somewhere cohesive where I can go back and look at it whenever."  But placing everything I like on a daily basis into some sort of word document hodgepodge of cut and paste just seemed too messy, and I never took action.  It seems someone else had similar thoughts and created one of the best internet sites ever.  Honestly, I think this will be the next big thing.  Right now it's in the start-up stage, to join you have to apply and be accepted.  And that's just what I did.  I received my acceptance letter last week and finally, yesterday, I took the plunge, and it's bad.  Now, I am head-over-heals in love, completely addicted to this site and it's simplistic set-up, grab-and-go mentality, it's ease of use, and it's layout: it's all of my favorite things finally in one place.  I control what goes up, how I label it, and when I use it.  It's awesome and I highly recommend checking it out if, like me, you have a habit of searching blogs and falling in love with ideas and inspirations you want to use sometime in this lifetime, even if it is 5 or 10 years from now.  At least those beauties are catalogued somewhere, somewhere lovely, somewhere easy, and somewhere, I predict, will be a very hot spot in the future.  It's called Pinterest and you can see my starting block here. <3     

A Few Of My Favorite Things This Very Instant:

1. It's Easter week, do these need anymore of an introduction or explanation?  I'm making them soon and I can't wait! http://www.mommyskitchen.net/2011/04/easter-bunny-buns-yummy-easter-treat.html

2. "Never Grow Up" by Taylor Swift.  I cry. Every. Time.  Maybe it's because I'm moving to a city soon where I will know no one, but I'm extra sentimental lately.  Don't know what the big deal is? Listen to it: Never Grow Up

3. Light purple matte nail polish.  Go find yourself some.  It does wonders for making hands look tan ;)

4. Personal blog decorating stories.  I have started following a lot of new blogs about this lately and I can't get enough.

5. Easter lilies.  Seriously, what smells better?

It's been a while... but it's been good.

Almost one month since I last posted. Bad. Very bad.  The good news?  My first semester of grad school is coming to a close, and in the month I have been missing in action I have found more of my niche in school.  I picked an emphasis - organizational and community change - went on a graduate research trip to Miami, made new friends, joined new organizations, finished a lot of projects AND received "As" on all of them.  Oh yeah, and you know that ONE thing I was most stressed about a month ago- that mandatory internship I have to complete to graduate, the one for which I was scared I was dreaming too big by sending my resume to top employers around the Nation hoping someone would take a look?  Well...... I GOT ONE!  And it's not just any internship.  I'm moving to MEMPHIS, TENNESSEE for the whole summer to work for one of the best hospitals in the world, not to mention one of the top-rated employers in the country.  I. AM. SO. LUCKY!  I have so much I want to say about everything I have done in the last month, but I think the most important thing I have realized is (warning: this is going to sound unbelievably corny) that staying positive and believing in yourself actually works.  In the last six months I have significantly changed the way I view my life.  Yesterday I took a super lazy "personal day", and as I was on my couch my mind drifted back to where I was, in say, November, and I don't even know that person anymore.  It was like one day I finally realized that my own happiness isn't determined by anything other than how much I am willing to grab its reins and steer it in the right direction.  Sometimes I'm a control freak and it surprises me how long it took me to realize I have control over how I feel, and I refuse to feel anything other than great.  Right now I'm on the porch, the sun is shining, Olive the cat is pretending to be a stealth predator, I'm reading a good book, and next month I get to cross off a dream I've had since I was 15 on my first visit, I'm moving to Tennessee.  Life is good.